Many people know and love me for my hot takes. And let’s be real, I have a lot of them. But my biggest irk of all may still come as a shock to my loyal fans: I detest Bruno Mars. When I see that fedora and those sunglasses, I don’t even know how to process what is in front of me. And his songs, dear god. They’re boring, long, repetitive, and too funky for their own good. Also, who puts a gorilla on an album cover? No one asked you to leave the door open, Bruno, please close it. I beg of you.

Security in the morning is my favorite part of the day. I mean, I just love seeing a freshman’s bare feet on the floor and hearing the constant beeping of the machine as another person goes through it too quickly. In fact, the humiliation I feel when I don’t put my phone in my bag fast enough really puts me in a great mood. And I can’t forget the one time my watch was launched off the conveyer belt and ended up cracked on the floor. Nevertheless, I deeply appreciate all of our security staff for keeping the student body safe every day.

It was a regular B day morning and I was peacefully washing my hands in the girls bathroom. Just as I was getting ready to walk up to my second period class, I heard the loudspeakers come on. As they yelled an incoherent message, the realization sunk in: I was going to get hall-swept. In an attempt to sneak by the dean, who was counting down from 10 as loudly as possible, I was caught. Instead of letting me go to class right away, I had to spend 10 whole minutes begging him not to take me to the main office, which made me even later than I originally would have been!