100 words

By: Simon Holland

I love talking and ranting, so you can imagine my excitement at getting to write a rant! But my enthusiasm quickly deteriorated when I learned I only had 100 words to work with. Ridiculous. I’m a complex man with complex opinions. Forcing myself to condense my genius takes into 100 words is criminal! Why must I limit myself? I should be able to express myself in as many or as few words as I need! You, dear reader, deserve to hear me rant, at length, to experience the majesty of my opinions. This leads me to my most important point: •

Room 407

By: Margaret Patterson

Everyone who’s had a class in room 407 is familiar with the herculean task that is trying to focus in a classroom that has a hole in place of a door handle. They are also familiar with the terror-stricken atmosphere in the classroom during an active shooter drill, as we all simultaneously realize that there would be literally nothing between us and an attacker, should such a tragic scenario occur. Without a door handle to keep it out, the rambunctious atmosphere of the hallways makes itself at home in room 407. Bargeman, we are begging you, give us a proper door. •

Traffic

By: Julia Weinrod

Traffic controllers, Jackson Reed administrators, and Tenleytown-area teenagers must unite to stop the horrific congestion around Jackson Reed starting at approximately 3:25 p.m. The crowds of people traveling to and from Jackson Reed, AU, and Deal at Chesapeake, Nebraska, and Fort Drive rival New Orleans during Mardi Gras—God forbid an ambulance or a firetruck needs to get through. To drivers, stop signs begin to look optional and bikers begin to look like speed bumps. The frustration of anyone driving within a 0.5-mile radius of Jackson Reed is palpable. We need our old crossing guard back, or perhaps new lanes through the baseball fields. •

Leather

By: Leila Bowser

Leather needs to go. Serious question, who likes leather? Tell me honestly, who genuinely likes to put on too tight, too small, and frankly too sticky pants or jackets? I don’t get it. This is a serious issue and concerns all. The impossibility of moving around in leather pants is outrageous, forget walking up to the fourth floor. Next, let’s discuss the down right trashiness of the “look.” I mean, they’re black and look like plastic, resembling trash itself. The same goes for all the leather jacket people out there. Why are you wearing trash bags that don’t fit? Let’s have some class here people! •