‘Bout time for fall

Why is it still 93 degrees out? I’m genuinely asking. The leaves on the trees should be orange, the brisk autumn air should be blowing, and I should not be returning home with soggy pants. Nothing is more humiliating than sitting down next to a stranger on a public bus and watching their mortified faces as my jean sweat moistens their bare leg. Believe it or not, this has happened three times. Still, I refuse not to live out my low-rise jeans, baggy sweater, Gilmore Girls fantasy. From now on, the moment the clock strikes 12 on August 29, summer has officially ended. Mother nature, I beg you, please step it up. •

Stop the Sweat

People are dirty. We sweat, we smell—it’s natural. But there is no excuse to leave that bacteria everywhere. The Jackson-Reed weight room has fallen victim to this teenage absentmindedness. A lack of Clorox wipes and an abundance of adolescent body odor combine in the wonder that is our school’s weight room. The lack of AC only amplifies the smell, surrounding athletes in a cloud of heavy, humid air. Weights, benches, and bikes are left tainted and grimy. While cleaning can be a tedious task for tired tigers, the athletic teams must work together to create a clean exercise space. •

Gotta Go 

The bell just rang, and I have to pee. Walking from one class to another in four minutes leaves me exactly two seconds to stop at the bathroom and wait in line. Why are there two 34 minute segments of the day where I cannot use the toilet? In those 34 fateful minutes I could easily piss my pants! Also, because only one person is allowed to go to the bathroom at a time, I am stuck at my desk waiting for my classmate to return, prolonging my trip to relieve my bladder. At this point I might as well stop drinking water, or better yet start wearing a diaper. •