We have some bones to pick. To all of the schools that have rejected our wonderful and world-renowned requests to visit, what the heck? While our stories may be harsh, we are simply just reporting the facts (while also being hilarious). Yet it has become increasingly difficult for us reviewers to weasel our way into these exclusive institutions. And to our fellow students who seem to think we have schools flocking our way, that we should take our pick at the juiciest rivalry’s, wondering why we haven’t reviewed their cousins brothers dog walkers school, it’s not as easy as you think. So to pay homage to these stinky schools, we’re here to hate and write based off what we know. You had your chance, we’re sorry it’s come to this. 

Gonzaga

We wanted our all boys moment and you just couldn’t give that to us. Why? Because we’re women? In MARCH??? We were even willing to dress in a purple polo to secure the invite, but now we’ll never be able to uncover your cultish behavior.

Latin 

We got in but at what cost.

Holton

We know that your “construction” that’s preventing our tour is fake. Give it up, you couldn’t handle the heat. That school girl bit isn’t working for us. $50,000 a year for what? I guess we’ll never know.

Sidwell

Don’t think we forgot you kicking us out. See March 2023 edition. 

Bullis 

Yes you didn’t explicitly say no, but your students ghosted us upon request, which we don’t appreciate. You heard it here first Bullis kids are mean. One could even say they’re bulli(e)s.

Georgetown Visitation

We’ve always been interested in this school due to its prime location in Georgetown, it’s preppy all girls nature, and its pretty building. Don’t try to say this isn’t a raging rivalry after what happened with girls soccer back in November. We hope you guys can get better uniforms. XOXO

DCI

Another fascination of ours. Have you ever seen someone that you know doesn’t go to Jackson-Reed, but you don’t think they go to Walls either? They probably go to DCI. Apparently we’re feared over there. A very “they know us but we don’t know them” situation. We truly were curious to learn more, but we suppose they dodged a bullet.

St. Albans

So much to say so little time. It’s not our fault Sara Yoder isn’t interested in you meatheads.