We tried every chocolate milkshake in Tenleytown so you don’t have to

During the brief hiatus we took, the Tenley food scene plunged into chaos. With no idea where to eat, students were breaking down left and right. Those who had the gall to enter restaurants just stared at the menu, paralyzed in total indecision until they broke into tears or went blind. Rest assured, we’ve returned to rescue the community from the brink of disaster, once again risking our health and general well-being to inform you, the consumer. 

M.I.A: McDonald’s 0/5

With our stomachs empty and hopes high, we entered McDonald’s excited to try a road trip staple: the McD’s chocolate milkshake. However, to our anger and dismay, the ice cream machine was broken. We’d say we were surprised but were we really?


Our Day 1: Z-Burger 3.6/5

Hungry and upset, (hangry, if you will) we made our way to Z-Burger, expecting greatness. More than once, we’ve indulged in a late-night milkshake after an evening of failed social events, so we knew what to expect. Their chocolate milkshake is deliciously chocolate flavored (a low bar, we know, but as you’ll learn later, many chocolate shakes don’t actually taste like chocolate) and is perfectly creamy. However, if you insist on drinking your shake through a straw, you may have to wait 15 minutes for it to reach your tastebuds. 


Jack of (some) trades: Wawa: 2.8/5

Wawa never ceases to amaze us with its sheer variety of offerings. They did, however, cease to amaze us with the quality of said offerings. As we soon discovered, there are tradeoffs in quality to be made in exchange for variety. The milkshake was lackluster, with a mediocre chocolate taste and a strange, grainy texture that came from the powder we watched them make it with. Also of note, it left a slimy coating on the roof of our mouths which may be attributed to the generic ‘dairy base’ they used to make the shake. Naturally, this did not alleviate our rising stomachaches. Overall, nauseating. 


Lies and Deception: Chick-fil-A: 2.6/5

Let us say this once, and clearly: the Chick-fil-A chocolate milkshake is NOT CHOCOLATE. It is a vanilla milkshake masquerading as chocolate because of the three drops of chocolate syrup cemented to the bottom of the cup. Do not let it fool you. In fact, we were tempted to sue Chick-fil-A for false advertising on these grounds. On chocolate flavor, this milkshake earned a one, which is why its rating is so low. However, for a vanilla milkshake, it’s perfectly acceptable. Chick-fil-A, stop lying to us. 


Good, but Not Great: Five Guys: 3.5/5

Next, we tried the best milkshake in Islip, New York, as Five Guys will be quick to remind you. We’re here to tell you that the good people of Islip were on to something here, but perhaps they forgot to mention how they broke the bank to buy it (we do have to concede that Z-Burger is a whopping $0.60 more expensive, but also more worth it). Five Guys milkshakes are chocolatey, drinkable right off the bat (a rare find), and fulfill every need a good, basic milkshake has. We just wish they were less expensive, and a little bit better. 


Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner: Roaming Rooster: 3.9/5

Roaming rooster presents the game-changing innovation of basing the shake on chocolate custard. This takes the shake to the next level of richness and creaminess, but not without a cost. The incorporation of the custard brought it to the thickness of delectable concrete. This shake was never drunk, only eaten. We recommend you ditch the flimsy straw they give you and use a spoon if not a fork and knife. But dang was it good. Take notes, Islip.


Final Boss: Steak N Egg: 1.8/5

At this point, our stomachs were aching, our heads were hurting, and every step was getting more difficult to take. We made the arduous journey from Roaming Rooster to Steak N Egg and settled to meet our final contender (fine, it’s only a block, but we’d like to see you brave the distance after five milkshakes). The off-putting smell inside the restaurant did not help our collective nausea, and when the shake was finally handed to us, our mouths dropped as we took in the size of this beast. Easily enough to feed a small village, this behemoth had to be gripped with both hands and a brave heart. The texture was strange, the flavor was debatably not chocolate (although we couldn’t quite place what it really was), and it was undrinkable. Large chunks were scooped out with our straws, and the viscosity of the milkshake almost made us vomit.