BY BRIAN KEYES, JUNIOR EDITOR
Like hopefully very few of you, I spent Valentine’s Day alone in a theatre watching the movie your mom is probably secretly going out to with her friends. That’s right, I do mean 50 Shades of Grey. There are many things I could talk about with this movie: The fact that the awful script and unreasonable amount of control given to the author of the books resulted in uncomfortable scenes between two moderate actors faced with an impossible task. The rather lackluster sex scenes bear more resemblance to movies like Fatal Attraction instead of the full out pornographic material found in the book, or even that the female lead uses a flip phone from what must have been 2003 for the entire movie. I’m not going to talk about any of that though. Here are ten reasons how the titular Christian Grey is Batman.
Now I fully realize this might seem like a bit of a stretch in logic, but throughout the entire movie, this one thought persisted in my head.
1. Both Grey and Batman are billionaire owners of major electronics companies and come from a background of wealth. While Christian Grey might have started his company from the ground up and Bruce Wayne inherited his, they pretty much have the same profession.
2. They both have their own personal servants/bodyguards/assistant types. Granted, Batman has Alfred, an elderly British man, and Grey has Taylor, a burly character who doesn’t speak a lot and whose main role seems to be chauffeuring, but still.
3. Both men have hidden rooms in their homes that are a reflection of their secret lives. I couldn’t help but think when they showed Christian Grey’s kinky sex room, known as the “Red Room”, that it resembled a very strange version of the Batcave. Instead of batarangs, high tech computers, and giant pennies, the Red Room had the walls lined with racks of whips, riding crops, and a weird thing to hang from the ceiling. They did both have a variety of handcuffs though.
4. They both track down random people. I think everyone knows that if Batman couldn’t hack into security systems and street cameras to trace villains, he would be a much less effective crime fighter. On the other side, it’s rather terrifying that Christian Grey seems to be able to find Anastasia Steele anywhere. At one point in the movie Anna drunk dials him from a bar, and within 15 minutes he shows up to take her away (creepy and possessive, I know). This was odd, but not nearly as odd as when he tracks her down when she is with her mother in a country club in Savannah, Georgia. For the record, most of this movie takes place in Seattle and Portland. I can only assume Christian Grey has some type of Bat-Satellite keeping tabs on his would-be submissive.
5. They are both very dominant people. While it hasn’t been shown that Batman is dominant in bed (though lets face it, he probably he is) I don’t think anyone would try and dispute the fact that he has a very dominant personality. Christian Grey, while into dominating his partners intimately, is also a very imposing figure, intimidating Anna in their first encounter, and scaring off her totally friendzoned-friend who tried to make a pass at her.
6. They’re both into bondage. Batman ties up villains, Christian Grey ties up girls just awakening in their sexuality. Basically the same thing.
7. Christian Grey seems to be able to break into Anna’s apartment without leaving any evidence that he was there, much like Batman might do if he were investigating a crime scene.
8. Both of them can read body language perfectly. Batman mostly uses this skill to interrogate random thugs in order to reveal information probably vital to saving Gotham. Grey uses this ability to point out the fact that Anna is very sexually aroused at their business meeting. Jokes on him though, cause she leaves him high and dry like Drake at the end of the Anaconda music video.
9. Both had a major lifestyle change because of a traumatic event in their childhood. Christian Grey was first introduced to the BDSM lifestyle after being what could be constructed as sexually abused by his mother’s friend at the age of 15. After being a submissive for six years, it appeared Grey wanted to be the one holding the leather whip. Batman on the other hand, had both parents shot in front of him when he was eight, leading him to a personal undying quest for vengeance against those who would take a little boy’s parents away from him. All of that leads me to my last reason…
10. BOTH OF THEIR REAL PARENTS ARE DEAD!
So there it is. Something for all the boyfriends watching this movie to amuse themselves with, and something to invade all the girls’ thoughts as they stare longingly at a shirtless Jamie Dornan. Who knows though– while Ben Affleck is set to appear as Batman in Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice, there are a few Justice League movies set to be made, and there is still time for a recast.
Oh and one more reason. Christian Grey shares a name with Christian Bale. Coincidence? I think not.
