Nature’s calling: a guide to Jackson-Reed’s bathrooms

Salutations! A few weeks ago, we embarked on a trek around the school. After taking a deep breath in (and pinching our noses shut), we scoped out the bathrooms. Doing our best to dodge our classmates and stay clear of stray toilet paper strands, we carefully surveyed each and every stall. Now, we present to you our official ranking of Jackson-Reed’s beloved bathrooms!  These rankings are based on the following criteria: the ratios of usable to unusable stalls, working to non-working soap dispensers, and functioning to not functioning sinks. We also took note of if mirrors were where they were supposed to be, busyness, and overall cleanliness. Disclaimer: our rankings are purely for entertainment purposes—take them all with a grain of salt.

Lizzie Himmlefarb, Margot Nissen, and Brian Metzger
May 24, 2023

Boys’ Bathrooms

  1. God couldn’t get to everything in those first seven days; the boys’ fourth-floor bathroom was clearly never touched by the hand of the Lord. The bathroom goes two for seven on working sinks, two for three on soap dispensers, one for three on functional stalls, and there’s no full-length mirror. It is truly an unpleasant experience.

 

  1. Coming in at number six, we have the boys’ bathroom outside the library. This bathroom is pretty clean, but the defining feature is the hand dryer—or lack thereof. Given the theory that hand dryers fling around bacteria, we’re not sure how important this really is. Two out of three of the sink dispensers work, half of the mirrors are there, and all three stalls are usable. 

 

  1. Number five is the tunnel bathroom, or the bathroom directly below the library. This bathroom has three out of three working sinks, two out of two soap dispensers, three out of three mirrors and two out of two stalls—but it isn’t that clean. Also, it’s super out of the way and hidden in the dark, mysterious basement.

 

  1. The defining feature of the boys’ third-floor bathroom is the big mirror – it’s there! The bathroom goes five for seven on sinks, three for six on soap dispensers and three for three on stalls. But this is one of the most (if not the most) popular bathrooms in the school. Beware.

 

  1. Making a podium finish, we have the first-floor bathroom. This bathroom is twice as big as the others, which is a bonus. It goes three for five on soap dispensers, five for seven on sinks, and three for four on stalls. Not too shabby, but nothing that special.

 

  1. The second-best boys’ bathroom is the second-floor bathroom! Coming in hot with six out of seven working soap dispensers, two out of two mirrors, and four out of seven stalls, the real trademark of this bathroom is the lighting. If you ever need to take a bomb selfie, the boys’ second-floor bathroom is for you!

 

  1. The number one boys’ bathroom is *drumroll please*…the C-wing bathroom! This bathroom is everything we’ve ever dreamed of, and more. From its grand size to its inactivity, the C-wing bathroom is perfect. It goes five for six on soap dispensers, three for three on stalls, four for four on mirrors and six for six on sinks!

 

Girls’ Bathrooms

  1. At the bottom of the list is the girls’ bathroom in the tunnel, below the library. The lighting is sad, it feels depressing. It doesn’t smell the best either. Two out of three soap dispensers do their job, three out three sinks work, and you can count on this bathroom to never be busy. But it’s not a vibe. (Not that bathrooms are ever a vibe, but we digress.)

 

  1. Next, the third-floor bathroom. You didn’t stick out to us. But you know what did stick? Toilet paper. On the ceiling. Notably, half of the soap dispensers were ripped off the wall, and one stall is missing a handle. Aside from that, five out of seven of the sinks work, and the other stalls are usable. But it’s always busy, whether you go during class or after school. 

 

  1. Coming in fifth place is the second-floor bathroom. The big mirror is gone, but six out of seven stalls work, two thirds of the soap dispensers work, and six out of seven sinks are operational. It also generally seems to be less busy than the third-floor bathroom.

 

  1. Finishing in fourth, the fourth-floor bathroom is just okay – it goes five out of seven on stalls, one of out three on soaps, and five out of seven on sinks. It’s popular, but not super busy. 

 

  1. Coming in turd, we have the first-floor bathroom. It’s big, and there are a plethora of stalls to choose from. All of the sinks work, all of the soap dispensers work, and the mirrors are intact. Our only criticism is that it’s quite busy during lunch. 

 

  1. Number two is the bathroom by the library. Although not very big, this bathroom is reliable. It’s not busy, three out of three of the sinks work, two out of two of the soap dispensers work, all four stalls work, and the mirrors are shiny.

 

  1. And at the top of the pyramid, we have the C-wing bathroom! It’s huge! It has ten out of ten working stalls, six out of six working sinks, and three out of three functional soap dispensers. This bathroom is excellent. It is never busy, so if you need an escape and a guarantee that there will be an available stall, this is the bathroom to choose. Five out of five, would poop here again.