Please don’t make me spit in a tube

By: Benjamin Chait

Nothing is more humiliating than spitting saliva into a small vial in front of all 35 of your classmates. It’s even worse when, at the one moment you need them most, your salivary glands seem to fail you. Sitting there, desperately trying to conjure up even the most measly drop while your class is waiting for you is a horrible feeling no one should have to go through. I get that salivary COVID tests are more efficient at a large scale, but they’re also the grossest, most dehumanizing thing that I will ever do in front of distant acquaintances.

I go to school…I swear

By: Lucy Harllee

Students are instructed to fill out the absence form online in order to be excused (which in of itself is a superfluous nuisance), yet somehow every time I do my mom still receives a call about how I’ve missed school despite being at an excusable doctor’s visit or college tour. As my unexcused absences pile up so does my frustration; CPS is alarmingly close to knocking on my door. I have five unexcused absences and so much wasted time. Wilson I implore you, for the sake of your students’ sanity, make the attendance system more efficient. •

 Dolphins suck. Let me tell you why

By: Charlotte Guy and Zoe Kaplan

Dolphins have the human species hoodwinked. From a young age, we’ve been made to adore this creature but in actuality, they’re abominable creations of the universe that deserve nothing but hate. I was once like most: I imagined dolphins as the ocean’s dogs. I filled the margins of my elementary school notebooks with doodles of the sea creatures leaping across waves but now I despise them. First off, they kill baby porpoises…for fun (red flag), and even their own babies if they rub them the wrong way (also a red flag). They’re also perverted sexual deviants and rampant STD carriers with an affinity towards humans (watch out).